When all else fails, follow instructions.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that obtained by Christ.
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Thinly sliced cabbage
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Nothing ever goes away.
Technologie don't transfer.
In every organisation there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
The best way to get the right answer on the internet is not to ask a question; it's to post the wrong answer.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things would get better?
The other line moves faster.
After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Never replicate a successful experiment.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone eager to:
(a) misinterpret it.
(b) fake it.
or
(c) believe it supports his own pet theory.
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.
(Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)
In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.
The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.
Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled, and no one dares to criticise it.
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness. We couldn't stand the commercials.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
The difference between a politician and a snail is that a snail leaves its slime behind.
Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't quit.
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is right.
It consists of replacing a theory that is wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
If you wait, it will go away.
... having done its damage.
... if it was bad, it will be back.
The real world is a special case.
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great many friends. They never forgive the loss of their prerogative.
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
Any product cut to length will be too short.
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil service exam in order to work for the government.
If things were left to chance, they'd be better.
Everything depends.
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.
VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
There's always one more bug.
If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and give it back to them.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Love is a matter of chemistry; sex is a matter of physics.
Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution; and it is always wrong.
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. - Herbert Hoover
Don't get mad, get even.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.
You can lead a man to slaughter, but you can't make him think.
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy but you sure can bargain with it.
Design flaws travel in groups.
Forgive and remember.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters, it's how much you save.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblance to being one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
3. Friendly fire ain't.
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Murphy was an optimist.
The solution to the problem changes the problem.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Everything costs more and takes longer.
Everything goes wrong all at once.
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realise that you are in a hurry.
The most delicate component will be dropped.
In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.
It works better if you plug it in.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Most people deserve each other.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
When you're adding up committees
there's a useful rule of thumb:
that talents make a difference,
and follies make a sum.
- Piet Hein
Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
It exists.
He who has the gold, makes the rules.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.
All general statements are false.
Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
- Piet Hein
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
As soon as you mention something; if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.
A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilisation.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.
Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
No experiment is reproducible.
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can.
People are always available for work in the past tense.